On 25th February The Icecreamists were busted on their opening day of business by the establishment.
Westminster Council declared breast milk ice cream as ‘possibly unfit for human consumption.’
13 days later we discovered…
Can breast milk kill you? No.
Can you catch aids from Mr Nippy? No.
Can ice cream really be THIS controversial? You bet.
Can humanity and the children of the world breath a sigh of relief? Yes.
Welcome to what our customers are dubbing ‘Gaga Gate’ and what we are calling Apocalypse Now with ice cream.
Kids, put down that Jack Daniels bottle you were suckling on after being told breast milk was a hazardous material and go back to mummy, because breast is best and it’s back on the menu. We are free to reproduce.
Citizens of Great Britain, pick up your spoons and go back to your dessert bowls because the men in white coats at Westminster have boobed and declared breast milk ice cream SAFE after a week long cold war that saw The Icecreamists do spoon-to-spoon combat with hysterical over-reacting sour-faced bureaucrats and the ‘enemies of enterprise.’
Given that mothers milk has weaned the human race for thousands of years and there is not a recorded incident of anyone dying after suckling on their mothers breast, it’s odd that Westminster Council chose to wade in like Hans Blix UN weapons inspectors looking for weapons of mass destruction.
Having seized two scoops of bio-hazardous breast milk ice cream deemed to be a possible threat to public health, these were then sent off for biological testing in a secret laboratory deep in the English countryside where highly trained scientists poured over every molecule as if they were looking to contain an outbreak of the Ebola virus.
Then the politically and PR motivated folk at Westminster went to the press before they had even written to us notifying us of the situation, thus fuelling the media story and the damaging assertion that our ice cream was a risk to public health. They did this in the full knowledge that our donor had been screened to hospital standards and that our ice cream was probably the safest food in London.
Of course all this comes from a council which less than 10 feet from our front door promotes death by alcoholism, tobacco addiction and any one of a number of other dubious legal substances.
It also brought into question the reputation of our donor; the eloquent and articulate exponent for breast-feeding, Victoria Hiley, whose breasts, appearance and HIV status have been discussed online worldwide for the last two weeks. Victoria’s article for the Guardian here explains her feelings about the situation. It’s been one small lick for man, one giant scoop for motherkind.
They thought breast milk ice cream should be busted, but as it turns out in this the mother of all meltdowns, its the authorities that boobed.
As a new business we have been up close and personal with both the authorities and a global superstar, sandwiched in an indecent squeeze that threatened to suffocate The Icecreamists at birth.
Whilst we still have to deal with Miss Germanotta, its probably time for us to say thanks for the mammaries and get back to our mission; liberating the world one lick at a time with lashings of great boutique ice cream, crazy cocktails and some very bad puns.
God Save The Cream!
Founder, The Icecreamists