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MATT 'ICECREAMIST' PORTRAIT LOBullying is said to be a sign of insecurity, perhaps paranoia.

Either way I can’t help thinking that if I was the world’s most famous pop megastar I would have other things to worry about in life like my face horns, nipple tape, chopping up dead bovines for my latest dress.

That sort of thing.

As a humble ice cream man, I can’t compete, except with a couple of cones placed in a defensive position.

As ‘Gagagate’ tediously lactates its way towards the courts, this Lady has changed position more times than she has recycled Madonna’s image.

First it was an injunction (offered her a choice of alternative names and then called it Goo Goo instead of Gaga), then it was damages (said we’d see her in court), then it was costs (an unlawful claim as litigation hadn’t begun), then she was bizarrely demanding to make a joint statement with me.

Now she is demanding censorship.

Yes, this self-styled champion of internet freedom is throwing her toys out of the pram, screaming (yawn into cornflakes) we remove any reference, anywhere in the universe, to this story and her threats (made public by me) that she threatened to seize my assets and those of my business.

Now, lets get a few things straight here.

I personally don’t have any assets apart from whats sitting on my shoulders and even my wife says thats debatable. If you want to discuss assets, then speak to my ex-wife who has them all and best of luck to you if you did better than I did, which was zlicho.

Or in plain English, fuck all.

However, I don’t take kindly to being threatened, or having my family singled out, or having her legal gestapo at Mishcon de Reya running around bullying, threatening and demanding money with menaces. That’s called extortion.

Further, telling me to shut up and not talk about it – or else – is called blackmail.

And lets be in no doubt here. Ate My Heart Inc is 100% owned and controlled by Lady Gaga.

Sure, she might have advisors, but she has a brain right? She was advocating artistic freedom and freedom of the internet in Malaysia but a few weeks ago? Or was that the amazing impersonator Lady Boy Gaga who will love you long time with thawplay lines like ‘love you long time’ and ‘chicks with licks’.

Her actions are a legitimate matter of public interest as are those of Mishcon de Reya. The fact they are now demanding we remove any reference – including those to third party sites – is as stupid as it is offensive.

Last time I checked, I didn’t live in North Korea, China or Iran.

The story is a matter of public record and in the public domain. Get over it, move along for fucks sake. Don’t be so arrogant as to think you can rewrite history – its called censorship. Its called fascism.

It’s also a super-sized slice of hypocrisy given just a few weeks ago she was talking about freeing Malaysia from censorship because “honesty and truth are always going to liberate us.”

Is that the same sort of liberation that involves running around the planet threatening people’s families, threatening to bankrupt a start up business despite them agreeing to her demands because the alternative was bankruptcy?

If Lady Gaga were a regime, she’d be following the Colonel Gaddafi/Robert Mugabe model, running her empire from a secret compound working on her performance as ‘The Great Licktator”

So what is this about?

Is it one lonely individuals deluded, paranoid obsession that the world is out to get her, when in fact it is she who is out to get the little guy? It is now a David and Goliath confrontation – standing up to a female dictator who wants to own the first utterances of our children, trademark a name first used in pop-culture by the rock band Queen and claim it as her own, original idea.

What has upset her most is that somebody has had the temerity to stand up against her, and fight her publicly over her actions. At best her attitude is like our ice cream, a bit rich. At worst, it’s called fascism and you know what?

Fascism sucks.

Or maybe, just maybe, her lawyers are driving this in a get rich quick scheme to extort as much money out of her as they can? Parliament is a sardine can full of them. They run the country and they run it into the ground. You wouldn’t trust the fuckers to run a bath let alone UK PLC. Using a lawyer is an unpleasant necessity, like a trip to the toilet after a chicken vindaloo.

You know you gotta go. You know its going to be painful. And you know the smell will outlast religion.

Whatever the truth, I’ll offer Lady Gaga this once in a lifetime invitation: Loosen up a bit. Chill out with The Icecreamists, not your lawyers.

We love you, but we don’t love your threats or them.

I’m sure we can sort this out and move on with our lives over a couple of scoops, just you and me, and some dirty ice cream.

Unless of course, you are just stalking me.

Matt O’Connor


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BOUTIQUE ICE CREAM TUBPic: Even our boutique ice cream is armed with sugar glass for protection as we prepare for court with Lady Gaga.


You would honestly think Lady Gaga has better things to be doing eh? But no, she is still rattling on about ‘Baby Gaga’.

I don’t know about you, but for a little baby, it made one hell of a lot of noise. Isn’t it time for an industrial dose of Calpol for the storm in a D-cup that simple won’t melt away?

Apparently no.

Lady Gaga doesn’t want to quit gurgling, or throwing her toys out the pram.

She is the dominatrix of pop, determined to drop a flask of freezing liquid nitrogen onto my genitalia, cook them to –196 degrees and then smash them with her poker face. (Fortunately for me after being warned in the confessional box about women like her by Father Patrick, I wear my Catholic guilt standard issue barbed wire underpants as ecumenical protection.)

So where are we today?

Well, firstly we have been extraordinarily charitable. We agreed to change the name, not because we wanted to, but because if she had obtained an injunction she would have bankrupted us within two weeks of opening. We did this early on and thought, not unreasonably, that this would be the end of the matter.

When we didn’t hear back, we offered to withdraw our trademark application (going over and above what was asked) and suggested a couple of alternative names so we wouldn’t fall foul of her sensibilities in future. You know, Baby O’Gaga (St Patricks Day version – rhymes with Radio Gaga?), Gelato Germanotta (The authentic version) etc.

Instead of Radio Gaga however, there was Radio Silence from her lovely lawyers, Simon Tracey et al at Mishcon de Reya.

Now, in a frankly bizarre letter, they are demanding the following:

  • The Icecreamists issue a JOINT press release WITH Lady Gaga citing agreement.
  • We pay Lady Gaga £4,000 towards her costs despite AGREEING to her demands. (Lady Gaga earned over $62 million last year).
  • Threaten to sue us for ‘damaging her reputation’.
  • Claim rights on a dress that was influenced by the Jean Paul Gaultier designed conical brassiere for Madonna’s 1990 Blonde Ambition Tour.
  • Demanding a share of the ‘profits’ from an ice cream that was on sale for just 3 hours.
  • And, for those that might have doubted Lady Gaga’s involvement, it is stated that Ate My Heart Inc (the company bringing the action) is 100% owned and controlled by Lady Gaga.
  • Remove all third party media references from our web sites, Facebook pages and this blog.
  • Demand I sign undertakings as a private individual.

We have responded:

  • We will see you in court and the first defence witness we will be calling is Lady Gaga.
  • Lady Gaga is implacably hostile and clearly intent on strangling at birth a business start up and demanding money with menaces. We will not be bullied or intimidated by a global superstar who uses her massive legal and financial firepower to threaten individuals or a fledgling business with bankruptcy and censorship.
  • A struggling ice cream parlour cannot afford to feed the ego of this pop megalomaniac to the tune of this sum of money in either hard cash or soft scoops.
  • With regards to the joint statement Lady Gaga can make any statement she wants. We won’t be dancing to her tune (it’s probably someone else’s anyway). The reason why Lady Gaga wants this statement is so she can establish case law in a legal land-grab over the word ‘Gaga’ and ownership over the first utterances of our children. This theft of common words that belong to us and our children is unacceptable.
  • I will NOT agree to any undertakings as a private individual nor will I be bullied into making a ‘joint statement’ with Lady Gaga. Satire has a long and honourable tradition in the UK from Spike Millligan to Monty Python and if I want to change my name by deed poll to ‘Lady Boy Gaga’ (think chicks with licks) then that’s my fucking perogative Gaga.

So there it is in all its tiresome, tedious legalese. By the time we settle this, Baby Gaga will have grown up, married, divorced, had kids and Lady Gaga will have melted back into the pop-culture mixing bowl where she came from.

Equally you can’t have someone so deluded and warped by her own fame that in her first act as the ‘Great Dictator of Intellectual Property Law’, she will own the first utterances of our first born and claim them as her own let alone have a bus load of legal gestapo running around the planet waging war on companies and individuals threatening to seize their ‘bank accounts and personal assets’ if they don’t agree.

It’s pathetic to pick on a tiny ice cream parlour who agreed to what you wanted on the first place. I can only guess these new actions demonstrate the hypocrisy of a woman who claims to celebrate artistic freedom and liberty on the internet whilst privately crushing these principles under her jackboot.

Call it what you will, (I know what I call it), there’s going to be a Cold War and we are going to fight it armed only with our trusty spoons and scoopfuls of ridicule, satire and subversion.

Oh, and some sprinkles too.

God Save The Cream!

Matt O’Connor

N.B. Oxford English dictionary definition of GAGA: Pronunciation: adjective informal; slightly mad, typically as a result of old age, infatuation, or excessive enthusiasm. Origin: early 20th century: from French, ’senile, a senile person’, reduplication based on gâteux, variant of gâteur, hospital slang in the sense ‘bed-wetter’.

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LADY GAGA RESPONSE FINAL 2a

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LADY GAGA RESPONSE FINAL 2b

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JKL02395On 25th February The Icecreamists were busted on their opening day of business by the establishment.

Westminster Council declared breast milk ice cream as ‘possibly unfit for human consumption.’

13 days later we discovered…

Can breast milk kill you? No.

Can you catch aids from Mr Nippy? No.

Can ice cream really be THIS controversial? You bet.

Can humanity and the children of the world breath a sigh of relief? Yes.

Welcome to what our customers are dubbing ‘Gaga Gate’ and what we are calling Apocalypse Now with ice cream.

Kids, put down that Jack Daniels bottle you were suckling on after being told breast milk was a hazardous material and go back to mummy, because breast is best and it’s back on the menu. We are free to reproduce.

Citizens of Great Britain, pick up your spoons and go back to your dessert bowls because the men in white coats at Westminster have boobed and declared breast milk ice cream SAFE after a week long cold war that saw The Icecreamists do spoon-to-spoon combat with hysterical over-reacting sour-faced bureaucrats and the ‘enemies of enterprise.’

Given that mothers milk has weaned the human race for thousands of years and there is not a recorded incident of anyone dying after suckling on their mothers breast, it’s odd that Westminster Council chose to wade in like Hans Blix UN weapons inspectors looking for weapons of mass destruction.

Having seized two scoops of bio-hazardous breast milk ice cream deemed to be a possible threat to public health, these were then sent off for biological testing in a secret laboratory deep in the English countryside where highly trained scientists poured over every molecule as if they were looking to contain an outbreak of the Ebola virus.

Then the politically and PR motivated folk at Westminster went to the press before they had even written to us notifying us of the situation, thus fuelling the media story and the damaging assertion that our ice cream was a risk to public health. They did this in the full knowledge that our donor had been screened to hospital standards and that our ice cream was probably the safest food in London.

Of course all this comes from a council which less than 10 feet from our front door promotes death by alcoholism, tobacco addiction and any one of a number of other dubious legal substances.

It also brought into question the reputation of our donor; the eloquent and articulate exponent for breast-feeding, Victoria Hiley, whose breasts, appearance and HIV status have been discussed online worldwide for the last two weeks. Victoria’s article for the Guardian here explains her feelings about the situation. It’s been one small lick for man, one giant scoop for motherkind.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2011/mar/07/my-breast-milk-ilady-gaga?INTCMP=SRCH

They thought breast milk ice cream should be busted, but as it turns out in this the mother of all meltdowns, its the authorities that boobed.

As a new business we have been up close and personal with both the authorities and a global superstar, sandwiched in an indecent squeeze that threatened to suffocate The Icecreamists at birth.

Whilst we still have to deal with Miss Germanotta, its probably time for us to say thanks for the mammaries and get back to our mission; liberating the world one lick at a time with lashings of great boutique ice cream, crazy cocktails and some very bad puns.

God Save The Cream!

Matt O’Connor
Founder, The Icecreamists

BRITAIN-LIFETYLE-FOOD-WOMEN-OFFBEAT

The fact that the world’s biggest superstar is now prosecuting the world’s smallest ice cream parlour, is akin to the actions of a big baby, rocking in a corner with some wet wipes crying over spilt milk.

In this case, breast milk.

It is worth noting that this ice cream was on sale for just a few hours before it was banned by Westminster Council, so it’s not as if its been a best seller for a parlour where the paint is barely dry and the doors open just over a week. Nobody seems to have told her it is no longer for sale.

Yet a global superstar has taken umbrage at what she describes as a ‘nausea-inducing’ product. This from a woman with a penchant for wearing rotting cows flesh. At least our customers are still alive when they contribute to our ‘art’.

Perhaps I’ll deliver my response wearing a fillet steak jockstrap, celebrating the fact that it is mothers milk which has weaned humanity for thousands of years and it is the drinking of milk destined for the calves of other mammals which is in fact questionable.

She claims we have ‘ridden the coattails’ of her reputation. As someone who has plagiarised and recycled on an industrial scale, the entire back catalogue of pop-culture to create her look, music and videos, she might want to re-consider this allegation.

How can she possibly claim ownership of the word ‘gaga’ which since the dawn of time has been one of the first discernable phrases to come from a baby’s mouth. This is why we chose the name. She owns no rights in the primal utterances of our children.

The costume used by The Icecreamists in fact referenced Madonna’s Jean-Paul Gaultier designed conical brassiere for the 1990 Blonde Ambition Tour (which it self was inspired by 1950’s cone bra’s). It had no relation to the Lady herself.

We could also argue to the contrary, that it is in fact HER shamelessly riding on the coattails of the publicity generated by The Icecreamists breast milk ice cream.

Worse still she threatens me, my family and my personal assets (ask my ex-wife, she knows where they are), in an example of heavy-handed legal thuggery straight out of an episode of the Soprano’s.

It all sounds and tastes like sour milk to us.

Should we be unable to defrost the pop-demagogue then we will adopt a Churchillian position: we will lick her on the beaches, we will lick her on the streets of Covent Garden and we will lick her in court.

She can bring her legal team, we will bring our ice cream. (And some spoons for sharing).

Ultimately like her, The Icecreamists are a melting pot for pop-culture, satirically referencing and celebrating the freedom of the internet and materials in the public domain.

Why do we do this? Because we are ‘born this way.’

Finally, we note that her latest single sounds uncannily like Madonna’s ‘Express Yourself.’ What a beautiful, poetic irony to end on.

Matt O’Connor x
Founder, The Icecreamists

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BRITAIN-LIFETYLE-FOOD-WOMEN-OFFBEATWe thought it would cause a ripple, but none of us expected a storm in a D-cup. That’s our reaction SEVEN whole days later (and still pumping) to the global phenomenon that is the Baby Gaga. It started with a simple question: is it better we use bovine milk designed for calves or mothers milk which has raised thousands of years of humanity and why is it that mothers milk produces such a ‘yuk’ response from many people? After all, cows are pumped full of antibiotics, hormones (in some cases), they are impregnated every 9 months, have their calves removed from them after 3 weeks all for our benefit. Is that REALLY better for us than the milk that weened the world, that fed my 3 boys, that is the most natural, beautiful thing on earth?

Some people said STOP! Don’t go there! It’s disgusting! But women embraced the ‘miracle of motherhood.’ We ran out after one day, our Covent Garden Boutique was flooded with a tsunami of women wanting to taste the ice cream and donate to the project. One journalist suggested we were aiming for a ‘fetish’ market. As a recovering Catholic I’m not familiar with said demographic (I’m more M&S than S&M) but the proof was in the pudding, er, breast milk in that it was exclusively popular with women.

However, this didn’t stop two irate men (ironically) complaining to Westminster council saying that our ice cream contained ‘bodily fluids’. I’ve got news for these guys, cows milk is a bodily fluid. They also complained that breast milk is designed for babies not adults. More news for my Neanderthal cousins, cows milk is designed for calves, dummies.

Now Westminster Council have ’seized’ the remaining two scoops of ‘bio-hazardous’ breast milk ice cream on the basis that it might be a threat to public health in the full knowledge the milk was screened in a private clinic to the same exacting standards as blood and milk bank donors. Of course, this from a council which less than 10 feet from our front door promotes death by alcoholism, tobacco addiction and other dubious legal substances. But hey, that’s ok, because they are perfectly safe. Safe? SAFE? Are you fucking nuts?

This exposes the root of hypocrisy at play in society. Mothers milk is the safest food in the world. It’s raised thousands of generations of human beings. Our breast milk ice cream was probably the safest food on sale in Westminster but its been banned. If we’re going to live in a society that’s absurd and insane enough to think it’s perfectly acceptable to drink alcohol that can kill you, or smoke yourself to death, or take other drugs which are perfectly legal to buy in Westminster and then ban breast milk, I say to mums, empty your babies bottles, fill them with Jack Daniels and give them to your kids.

Lets raise a glass to the food fascists at the goosestepping Nanny State who think breast milk deserves to be busted.

Matt O’Connor, Founder, The Icecreamists

SHOP FRONTTHEME? Lick Your Addiction, Ice Cream Rehab

WHERE? Our Rehab Unit at 15 Maiden Lane, Covent Garden, London WC2E 7NG

NEAREST TUBE: Charing Cross

THREADS? Military style rehab.

WHAT MEDICATIONS ARE YOU SERVING? Vice creams and guilty pleasures including:

THE INFAMOUS SEXBOMB™ – What’s The Scoop? A drugs giant blacklisted it. The Sex Pistols tried to ban it. The Mexican authorities impounded it. Gird your loins for our infamous ‘Sex Bomb’ ice cream cocktail – the one ice cream authorities can’t diffuse. Benefiting from a weapons upgrade in 2011, this classic Fior di Latte ice cream is blended with natural stimulants (Ginko Bilabo, Arginine, Guarana) and other secret ingredients for blood flow and energy. Scented with a gentle infusion of citrus zest. Topped with a shot of burning La Fee Absinthe administered from a hospital IV drip, for explosive results. Strictly limited to one ice cream per customer. Suitable for persons of 18 years and older and anyone else intending to go forth and multiply in the fleshpots of Covent Garden.

THE MOLOTOFFEE COCKTAIL:What’s The Scoop? Rediscover your revolutionary zeal with this inflammatory mix of chilled Crème De Banane Liqueur topped with Dulce De Leche ice cream, toffee all insulated under a pillow of soft meringue. Blow-torched at your table and flamed with an atomised spritzer of overproof rum. A boozy banoffee baked Alaska that’s fluffy on the outside but dangerous on the inside. Growls seductively like a mama grizzly with a natural gas pipeline between her legs.

HOW DO I TO CHECK IN? Patients can drop in at any time for a fast fix (take out)  from our 12 step treatment programme of medications if you are suffering from ice cream withdrawal. For a longer course of treatment try our Lick Your Addiction programme of nitrogen-tipped vice creams and guilty pleasures.

PARENTAL ADVISORY:
Some scenes may be unsuitable for young children or those with a sensitive disposition. Our ‘Lick Your Addiction’ treatment programme contains some medications with alcohol that carry an 18 rating. Reading materials carry a parental advisory sticker and contain sexual, satirical and political content.

WE SAY? A sex shop for ice cream addicts.

THEY SAY? They tried to make me go to rehab and I said yes, yes, yes…

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The ice cream van is looking amazing and the chimes (Teddy Bears Picnic groove) is so absurd it’s brilliant.IMG_0287

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IMG_0280Subversively for you, our van takes shape! By Friday we should have hand painted slogans and a neon sign.

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