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OK what’s the recipe for a book launch at The Icecreamists?

We start with the scoop, the whole scoop and nothing but the scoop.

Firstly, we don’t do frozen yoghurt. Want to be a saint? Fuck off up the road to Snog. Remember, the devil has all the best licks. Second rule of The Icecreamists is no factory made ice cream. I’d rather kiss my arse than be like Haagen-Dazs.

Now get religion. Our creed for the night: melting down is capitalism, frozen out is socialism, nothings cool in liberalism we believe in Icecreamism.

For starters, become an armed and dangerous ice cream evangelist with a gun-shaped ice lolly loaded with Holy Water from Lourdes at 100 Euros a pop. Report any apparitions, miracles or mysterious healings to our mismanagement committee. Send four complimentary weapons of mass seduction to our Holy Father in the Vatican as he considers our designs for a new range of ‘Aposticle’ ice lollies. After all, Jesus Christ is a Scooperstar and we always look on the bright side of life at the Father Ted school of Ice Cream.

Want a licence to chill and a very coldfinger? Clasp gun in right hand, adopt Kurt Cobain position and place barrel in mouth before sucking hard. Remember to conceal evidence by using our latex ‘exam’ gloves and consuming entire weapon. Remember that unlike the Met Police, we shoot to chill, not to kill. After discharging weapon, lock gun cabinet securely in line with local licensing laws. Warning: product is laced with enough Absinthe to blow your head off and may leave you incapacitated rocking in a corner with permanent brain freeze.

For mains, administer The Icecreamists medication by way of our prescription for your addiction. Our militarily upgraded Sex Bomb ‘Viagra’ ice cream contains enough erectile properties to bring people back from the dead. Period. Wash down with our Steve Jobs Apple Martini. It’s not very PC but its been our best selling summer download laced as it is with enough Polish Zubrowka vodka to paralyse a baby elephant. Please binge responsibly.

For those in search of an organic, free-range and freshly squeezed palate cleanser, get your kicks with our licks and our Baby Googoo breast milk ice cream as seen on TV thanks to The Icecreamists answer to Max Clifford, Lady Gaga. Discuss the cross-dressing version in development, the ‘Lady Boy Gaga’ made with genuine Ladyballs. At this point pause for breath, consider the goose-stepping food fascists at Breastminster Council and the local Gestapo with their bye laws, why laws, rules, regs, and noise abatement issues and then say fuck it. You want health and safety? We’ll give you some real health and safety issues…

For our dessert storm lets get down to some choc and awe with our cabaret of cool, ‘Riding the Valkyrie’, which sounds like one of Hitler’s wet dreams. Insert one coat hanger into throat whilst looking for keys, swallow fire whilst nearly torching marquee, juggle sashimi-slicing knifes in Cameronesqe death by a thousand cuts, slit girlfriends throat, smash head into a pile of broken glass and execute melon on opera singers stomach with two-foot long sword whilst she sings Mozart’s requiem. Remove said melon and convert into sorbetto.

Finish with a foul-mouthed recipe book of ice creams, vice creams and other guilty pleasures presented by the enchanting ice maidens at Octopus Publishing and administered by a recovering Catholic, lapsed alcoholic and practising diabetic specialising in social revolution and genital origami.

Allow proceedings to digest, memorise book and prepare to make Heston Blumenthal look like Ronald McDonald and Gordon Ramsay sound like a choir boy. Your mission? To boldly go where no responsible ice cream man has gone before. To liberate the world one lick at a time with a holy water pistol in one hand and your ice cream bible in the other.


Matt O’Connor 1/6/12

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BOUTIQUE ICE CREAM TUBPic: Even our boutique ice cream is armed with sugar glass for protection as we prepare for court with Lady Gaga.

You would honestly think Lady Gaga has better things to be doing eh? But no, she is still rattling on about ‘Baby Gaga’.

I don’t know about you, but for a little baby, it made one hell of a lot of noise. Isn’t it time for an industrial dose of Calpol for the storm in a D-cup that simple won’t melt away?

Apparently no.

Lady Gaga doesn’t want to quit gurgling, or throwing her toys out the pram.

She is the dominatrix of pop, determined to drop a flask of freezing liquid nitrogen onto my genitalia, cook them to –196 degrees and then smash them with her poker face. (Fortunately for me after being warned in the confessional box about women like her by Father Patrick, I wear my Catholic guilt standard issue barbed wire underpants as ecumenical protection.)

So where are we today?

Well, firstly we have been extraordinarily charitable. We agreed to change the name, not because we wanted to, but because if she had obtained an injunction she would have bankrupted us within two weeks of opening. We did this early on and thought, not unreasonably, that this would be the end of the matter.

When we didn’t hear back, we offered to withdraw our trademark application (going over and above what was asked) and suggested a couple of alternative names so we wouldn’t fall foul of her sensibilities in future. You know, Baby O’Gaga (St Patricks Day version – rhymes with Radio Gaga?), Gelato Germanotta (The authentic version) etc.

Instead of Radio Gaga however, there was Radio Silence from her lovely lawyers, Simon Tracey et al at Mishcon de Reya.

Now, in a frankly bizarre letter, they are demanding the following:

  • The Icecreamists issue a JOINT press release WITH Lady Gaga citing agreement.
  • We pay Lady Gaga £4,000 towards her costs despite AGREEING to her demands. (Lady Gaga earned over $62 million last year).
  • Threaten to sue us for ‘damaging her reputation’.
  • Claim rights on a dress that was influenced by the Jean Paul Gaultier designed conical brassiere for Madonna’s 1990 Blonde Ambition Tour.
  • Demanding a share of the ‘profits’ from an ice cream that was on sale for just 3 hours.
  • And, for those that might have doubted Lady Gaga’s involvement, it is stated that Ate My Heart Inc (the company bringing the action) is 100% owned and controlled by Lady Gaga.
  • Remove all third party media references from our web sites, Facebook pages and this blog.
  • Demand I sign undertakings as a private individual.

We have responded:

  • We will see you in court and the first defence witness we will be calling is Lady Gaga.
  • Lady Gaga is implacably hostile and clearly intent on strangling at birth a business start up and demanding money with menaces. We will not be bullied or intimidated by a global superstar who uses her massive legal and financial firepower to threaten individuals or a fledgling business with bankruptcy and censorship.
  • A struggling ice cream parlour cannot afford to feed the ego of this pop megalomaniac to the tune of this sum of money in either hard cash or soft scoops.
  • With regards to the joint statement Lady Gaga can make any statement she wants. We won’t be dancing to her tune (it’s probably someone else’s anyway). The reason why Lady Gaga wants this statement is so she can establish case law in a legal land-grab over the word ‘Gaga’ and ownership over the first utterances of our children. This theft of common words that belong to us and our children is unacceptable.
  • I will NOT agree to any undertakings as a private individual nor will I be bullied into making a ‘joint statement’ with Lady Gaga. Satire has a long and honourable tradition in the UK from Spike Millligan to Monty Python and if I want to change my name by deed poll to ‘Lady Boy Gaga’ (think chicks with licks) then that’s my fucking perogative Gaga.

So there it is in all its tiresome, tedious legalese. By the time we settle this, Baby Gaga will have grown up, married, divorced, had kids and Lady Gaga will have melted back into the pop-culture mixing bowl where she came from.

Equally you can’t have someone so deluded and warped by her own fame that in her first act as the ‘Great Dictator of Intellectual Property Law’, she will own the first utterances of our first born and claim them as her own let alone have a bus load of legal gestapo running around the planet waging war on companies and individuals threatening to seize their ‘bank accounts and personal assets’ if they don’t agree.

It’s pathetic to pick on a tiny ice cream parlour who agreed to what you wanted on the first place. I can only guess these new actions demonstrate the hypocrisy of a woman who claims to celebrate artistic freedom and liberty on the internet whilst privately crushing these principles under her jackboot.

Call it what you will, (I know what I call it), there’s going to be a Cold War and we are going to fight it armed only with our trusty spoons and scoopfuls of ridicule, satire and subversion.

Oh, and some sprinkles too.

God Save The Cream!

Matt O’Connor

N.B. Oxford English dictionary definition of GAGA: Pronunciation: adjective informal; slightly mad, typically as a result of old age, infatuation, or excessive enthusiasm. Origin: early 20th century: from French, ’senile, a senile person’, reduplication based on gâteux, variant of gâteur, hospital slang in the sense ‘bed-wetter’.

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JKL02395On 25th February The Icecreamists were busted on their opening day of business by the establishment.

Westminster Council declared breast milk ice cream as ‘possibly unfit for human consumption.’

13 days later we discovered…

Can breast milk kill you? No.

Can you catch aids from Mr Nippy? No.

Can ice cream really be THIS controversial? You bet.

Can humanity and the children of the world breath a sigh of relief? Yes.

Welcome to what our customers are dubbing ‘Gaga Gate’ and what we are calling Apocalypse Now with ice cream.

Kids, put down that Jack Daniels bottle you were suckling on after being told breast milk was a hazardous material and go back to mummy, because breast is best and it’s back on the menu. We are free to reproduce.

Citizens of Great Britain, pick up your spoons and go back to your dessert bowls because the men in white coats at Westminster have boobed and declared breast milk ice cream SAFE after a week long cold war that saw The Icecreamists do spoon-to-spoon combat with hysterical over-reacting sour-faced bureaucrats and the ‘enemies of enterprise.’

Given that mothers milk has weaned the human race for thousands of years and there is not a recorded incident of anyone dying after suckling on their mothers breast, it’s odd that Westminster Council chose to wade in like Hans Blix UN weapons inspectors looking for weapons of mass destruction.

Having seized two scoops of bio-hazardous breast milk ice cream deemed to be a possible threat to public health, these were then sent off for biological testing in a secret laboratory deep in the English countryside where highly trained scientists poured over every molecule as if they were looking to contain an outbreak of the Ebola virus.

Then the politically and PR motivated folk at Westminster went to the press before they had even written to us notifying us of the situation, thus fuelling the media story and the damaging assertion that our ice cream was a risk to public health. They did this in the full knowledge that our donor had been screened to hospital standards and that our ice cream was probably the safest food in London.

Of course all this comes from a council which less than 10 feet from our front door promotes death by alcoholism, tobacco addiction and any one of a number of other dubious legal substances.

It also brought into question the reputation of our donor; the eloquent and articulate exponent for breast-feeding, Victoria Hiley, whose breasts, appearance and HIV status have been discussed online worldwide for the last two weeks. Victoria’s article for the Guardian here explains her feelings about the situation. It’s been one small lick for man, one giant scoop for motherkind.

They thought breast milk ice cream should be busted, but as it turns out in this the mother of all meltdowns, its the authorities that boobed.

As a new business we have been up close and personal with both the authorities and a global superstar, sandwiched in an indecent squeeze that threatened to suffocate The Icecreamists at birth.

Whilst we still have to deal with Miss Germanotta, its probably time for us to say thanks for the mammaries and get back to our mission; liberating the world one lick at a time with lashings of great boutique ice cream, crazy cocktails and some very bad puns.

God Save The Cream!

Matt O’Connor
Founder, The Icecreamists

BRITAIN-LIFETYLE-FOOD-WOMEN-OFFBEATWe thought it would cause a ripple, but none of us expected a storm in a D-cup. That’s our reaction SEVEN whole days later (and still pumping) to the global phenomenon that is the Baby Gaga. It started with a simple question: is it better we use bovine milk designed for calves or mothers milk which has raised thousands of years of humanity and why is it that mothers milk produces such a ‘yuk’ response from many people? After all, cows are pumped full of antibiotics, hormones (in some cases), they are impregnated every 9 months, have their calves removed from them after 3 weeks all for our benefit. Is that REALLY better for us than the milk that weened the world, that fed my 3 boys, that is the most natural, beautiful thing on earth?

Some people said STOP! Don’t go there! It’s disgusting! But women embraced the ‘miracle of motherhood.’ We ran out after one day, our Covent Garden Boutique was flooded with a tsunami of women wanting to taste the ice cream and donate to the project. One journalist suggested we were aiming for a ‘fetish’ market. As a recovering Catholic I’m not familiar with said demographic (I’m more M&S than S&M) but the proof was in the pudding, er, breast milk in that it was exclusively popular with women.

However, this didn’t stop two irate men (ironically) complaining to Westminster council saying that our ice cream contained ‘bodily fluids’. I’ve got news for these guys, cows milk is a bodily fluid. They also complained that breast milk is designed for babies not adults. More news for my Neanderthal cousins, cows milk is designed for calves, dummies.

Now Westminster Council have ’seized’ the remaining two scoops of ‘bio-hazardous’ breast milk ice cream on the basis that it might be a threat to public health in the full knowledge the milk was screened in a private clinic to the same exacting standards as blood and milk bank donors. Of course, this from a council which less than 10 feet from our front door promotes death by alcoholism, tobacco addiction and other dubious legal substances. But hey, that’s ok, because they are perfectly safe. Safe? SAFE? Are you fucking nuts?

This exposes the root of hypocrisy at play in society. Mothers milk is the safest food in the world. It’s raised thousands of generations of human beings. Our breast milk ice cream was probably the safest food on sale in Westminster but its been banned. If we’re going to live in a society that’s absurd and insane enough to think it’s perfectly acceptable to drink alcohol that can kill you, or smoke yourself to death, or take other drugs which are perfectly legal to buy in Westminster and then ban breast milk, I say to mums, empty your babies bottles, fill them with Jack Daniels and give them to your kids.

Lets raise a glass to the food fascists at the goosestepping Nanny State who think breast milk deserves to be busted.

Matt O’Connor, Founder, The Icecreamists