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THE CREAM ELIZABETHGod Save The Cream! For those looking for a more conventional flavour can we we point you in the direction of The Cream Elizabeth, our Jubilee Strawberry Ice Cream which has been 6 months in development. This happens to be the holy grail of ice cream as strawberries are full of water which corrupts the structure of our ice cream and turns icy in mix. Lets face it, most ice cream is a sickly blend of artificial flavours with flecks of fruit thrown in to create the illusion of reality. We use the Jubilee variety of strawberry which is naturally sweeter than Elsanta. We then sweat it down to remove moisture, add sugar and turn the mixture into a compote so the sugar infuses into the flesh of the strawberry preventing it from going too icy. We tested a batch again this week and we promise you, this is a Strawberry Nirvana fit for a Queen!

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91177

OK what’s the recipe for a book launch at The Icecreamists?

We start with the scoop, the whole scoop and nothing but the scoop.

Firstly, we don’t do frozen yoghurt. Want to be a saint? Fuck off up the road to Snog. Remember, the devil has all the best licks. Second rule of The Icecreamists is no factory made ice cream. I’d rather kiss my arse than be like Haagen-Dazs.

Now get religion. Our creed for the night: melting down is capitalism, frozen out is socialism, nothings cool in liberalism we believe in Icecreamism.

For starters, become an armed and dangerous ice cream evangelist with a gun-shaped ice lolly loaded with Holy Water from Lourdes at 100 Euros a pop. Report any apparitions, miracles or mysterious healings to our mismanagement committee. Send four complimentary weapons of mass seduction to our Holy Father in the Vatican as he considers our designs for a new range of ‘Aposticle’ ice lollies. After all, Jesus Christ is a Scooperstar and we always look on the bright side of life at the Father Ted school of Ice Cream.

Want a licence to chill and a very coldfinger? Clasp gun in right hand, adopt Kurt Cobain position and place barrel in mouth before sucking hard. Remember to conceal evidence by using our latex ‘exam’ gloves and consuming entire weapon. Remember that unlike the Met Police, we shoot to chill, not to kill. After discharging weapon, lock gun cabinet securely in line with local licensing laws. Warning: product is laced with enough Absinthe to blow your head off and may leave you incapacitated rocking in a corner with permanent brain freeze.

For mains, administer The Icecreamists medication by way of our prescription for your addiction. Our militarily upgraded Sex Bomb ‘Viagra’ ice cream contains enough erectile properties to bring people back from the dead. Period. Wash down with our Steve Jobs Apple Martini. It’s not very PC but its been our best selling summer download laced as it is with enough Polish Zubrowka vodka to paralyse a baby elephant. Please binge responsibly.

For those in search of an organic, free-range and freshly squeezed palate cleanser, get your kicks with our licks and our Baby Googoo breast milk ice cream as seen on TV thanks to The Icecreamists answer to Max Clifford, Lady Gaga. Discuss the cross-dressing version in development, the ‘Lady Boy Gaga’ made with genuine Ladyballs. At this point pause for breath, consider the goose-stepping food fascists at Breastminster Council and the local Gestapo with their bye laws, why laws, rules, regs, and noise abatement issues and then say fuck it. You want health and safety? We’ll give you some real health and safety issues…

For our dessert storm lets get down to some choc and awe with our cabaret of cool, ‘Riding the Valkyrie’, which sounds like one of Hitler’s wet dreams. Insert one coat hanger into throat whilst looking for keys, swallow fire whilst nearly torching marquee, juggle sashimi-slicing knifes in Cameronesqe death by a thousand cuts, slit girlfriends throat, smash head into a pile of broken glass and execute melon on opera singers stomach with two-foot long sword whilst she sings Mozart’s requiem. Remove said melon and convert into sorbetto.

Finish with a foul-mouthed recipe book of ice creams, vice creams and other guilty pleasures presented by the enchanting ice maidens at Octopus Publishing and administered by a recovering Catholic, lapsed alcoholic and practising diabetic specialising in social revolution and genital origami.

Allow proceedings to digest, memorise book and prepare to make Heston Blumenthal look like Ronald McDonald and Gordon Ramsay sound like a choir boy. Your mission? To boldly go where no responsible ice cream man has gone before. To liberate the world one lick at a time with a holy water pistol in one hand and your ice cream bible in the other.

Amen.

Matt O’Connor 1/6/12

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FINAL NUN POSTER LO“In order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice.” The Marquis de Sade

Somebody once said that when they read about evils of drinking, they gave up reading. In the case of Vincent Van Gogh, it was more akin to the spoonerism ‘Is it a bottle in front of me or a frontal lobotomy?’ Van Gogh spent much of his life in the bewitching French city of Arles, home to one of the greatest hotels in the world, The Grand Hotel Nord Pinus, where Picasso, Hemingway and Cocteau were regulars alongside legendary Arlesian Bullfighters.

Many starry nights ago, I spent an intoxicating summer there, following Van Gogh’s footsteps under a burning green Absinthe haze. Under the influence of love, ethanol and other drugs, I sat in the Place Du Forum with my then girlfriend and floated the idea of turning my fascination with Absinthe into an ice lolly. Ten years later, I had created a popsicle with enough anesthetic to knock out a baby elephant. I am certain Vincent would have undoubtedly been partial to this delightful and refreshing alternative for the formaldehyde drinking romantics that flock to this city and who on occasion, have succumbed to deaths icy embrace.

The story begins at the bar of the Grand Hotel Nord Pinus where I had imbibed several Green Fairies before a miraculous apparition appeared to me in the shape of an Absinthe laced ice lolly. After a short pilgrimage to the Catholic Church 200 yards from the hotel, the reincarnation was complete and the ‘Vice Lolly’ was born – an unholy cocktail of hallucinogenic Absinthe loaded with miraculous Holy Water (not bullets) and frozen into the shape of a firearm.

If an ice lolly is a symbol of innocence, then the Vice Lolly is its perverted cousin, one whose DNA can be traced back to the Marquis de Sade.

Over the last 10 years I have had several tangles with the Catholic Church where I have sought their assistance on various social campaigns I am involved in. Rather than offering help, they religiously put PR and profit over principle and a little book called the bible. This demonstrated to me that whilst religion has continued to take the piss out of me for the last decade, perhaps I could return them the favour with a Life of Brian style homage.

We all know that since time began, people have died fighting wars in the name of religion and I wanted to distill the uncomfortable relationship between violence and religion into a satirical ice lolly which juxtaposed the innocence of an ice lolly with the shape of a firearm. We imported a large quantity of Holy Water, 576 miles from the Sanctuary of Our Lady of Lourdes at a cost of 100 Euros per litre. Lourdes water flows from the rock Massabielle and can be seen through a illuminated glass plate. The spring was discovered by Bernadette Soubirous during one of the apparition on the 25 February 1858. Bernadette was told to by Our Lady “go drink the water at the spring and wash your self in the water”. Thousands of pilgrims now travel to the spot each year in the hope their ailments will be miraculously cured.

My supplier tells me that Holy Water is the source of ‘thousands of unexplained healings and miracles since the first healing of Catherine Latapie on March 1st 1858’ in the same way that Del Boy said Peckham Spring was a bona fide spring water which just happened to glow in the dark. Holy Water is (in my view) cynically used by the church to persuade people of the redemptive and healing powers of religion and at that price, you would hope it works, however several bottles arrived without the lids being properly fitted and had spilt everywhere. At these sorts of prices, you don’t expect the packaging to be leakier than the claims made about the water.

To make the Vice Lolly we blended it with 80% La Fee Absinthe which signifies the alcohol used to numb soldiers in the battlefield when fighting ‘holy wars’.  Each reincarnation of cool is 300ml in size and costs us about £30 each in materials (excluding moulds,) but we are selling a limited quantity at a charitable £18.58 to mark the year of the apparition.

Now, as any one who knows me will tell you, I’ve got religion about ice cream and that I am an ice cream evangelist, so when it came to creating the ultimate spiritual refreshment I am pleased to report the Vice Lolly really delivers maximum spiritual refreshment. The Absinthe is softly flavoured but still delivers an anesthetic kick to your jaw line and is balanced out with a little sugar and another magic ingredient for flavour. For protection, the Vice Lolly is served with a latex glove and unlike the Met Police, it shoots to chill, not to kill.

For safety, all our Vice Lollies are stored in our specially designed Gun Cabinet in line with regulations.

Depending on your perspective we are either scraping the bottom of the barrel (where we do most of our business) or are just out to create choc and awe. For me though, like breast milk ice cream, its about making a political statement. The Vice Lolly is about the immorality of war, government and religious deception and the corruption of society. When exposing grand facades there is no more powerful weapon than satire. I may come from the Father Ted school of marketing and the Vice Lolly may land us in hot water, but at least I will know that’s no apparition.

The Vice Lolly is a Holy Water Pistol with a licence to chill.

Matt O’Connor
Founder of The Icecreamists
NB: See page 152 of our new book for the full recipe.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Icecreamists-Creams-Recipes-Pleasures/dp/1845337069/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338401543&sr=8-1

The Icecreamists present the Vice Lolly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-BvkxXuacc

The Making of the Vice Lolly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WglVZzUB9×8&feature=related

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NUN 1“In order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice.” The Marquis de Sade

The Iceccreamists present their follow up to ‘Baby Gaga’ Breast Milk Ice Cream. The Vice Lolly is made with Holy Water imported 576 miles from the shrine at Lourdes and blended with 80% Absinthe for a spiritual refreshment that is miraculous and medicinal in a single lick. The recipe is contained in their new book ‘Ice Creams, Vice Creams & Other Guilty Pleasures’ out in June.

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Like freshly baked bread, freshly made boutique ice cream runs out and at our boutique last week we went into a Fukushima style meltdown.

Our kitchen staff were working harder than Ryan Gigg’s lawyers but we still couldn’t keep up. We were well and truly licked. Even yesterday when we had some guests over to discuss a forthcoming event at The Icecreamists, we couldn’t make a Molotoffee Cocktail because we were still waiting a vital ingredient from Argentina.

Of course its understandable why some guests have grumbled on Facebook about this. The alternative is to visit well-known American branded parlours where the ice cream is made in vats, pumped full of E numbers, fat, sugar and preservatives to give it a shelf life of a thousand years before it is shipped half way around the world before it reaches Londinium.

Or you could choose a parlour where the ice cream is freshly made in Covent Garden every day and where, from time to time, they might run out of your flavourite. It’s the price you pay for top notch vice cream. (Pic by Jim Marks, Entrance to Covent Garden ‘Scream’ Boutique with ‘Cones Hotline’ on table.)

SCREAM ENTRANCE

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MATT 'ICECREAMIST' PORTRAIT LOBullying is said to be a sign of insecurity, perhaps paranoia.

Either way I can’t help thinking that if I was the world’s most famous pop megastar I would have other things to worry about in life like my face horns, nipple tape, chopping up dead bovines for my latest dress.

That sort of thing.

As a humble ice cream man, I can’t compete, except with a couple of cones placed in a defensive position.

As ‘Gagagate’ tediously lactates its way towards the courts, this Lady has changed position more times than she has recycled Madonna’s image.

First it was an injunction (offered her a choice of alternative names and then called it Goo Goo instead of Gaga), then it was damages (said we’d see her in court), then it was costs (an unlawful claim as litigation hadn’t begun), then she was bizarrely demanding to make a joint statement with me.

Now she is demanding censorship.

Yes, this self-styled champion of internet freedom is throwing her toys out of the pram, screaming (yawn into cornflakes) we remove any reference, anywhere in the universe, to this story and her threats (made public by me) that she threatened to seize my assets and those of my business.

Now, lets get a few things straight here.

I personally don’t have any assets apart from whats sitting on my shoulders and even my wife says thats debatable. If you want to discuss assets, then speak to my ex-wife who has them all and best of luck to you if you did better than I did, which was zlicho.

Or in plain English, fuck all.

However, I don’t take kindly to being threatened, or having my family singled out, or having her legal gestapo at Mishcon de Reya running around bullying, threatening and demanding money with menaces. That’s called extortion.

Further, telling me to shut up and not talk about it – or else – is called blackmail.

And lets be in no doubt here. Ate My Heart Inc is 100% owned and controlled by Lady Gaga.

Sure, she might have advisors, but she has a brain right? She was advocating artistic freedom and freedom of the internet in Malaysia but a few weeks ago? Or was that the amazing impersonator Lady Boy Gaga who will love you long time with thawplay lines like ‘love you long time’ and ‘chicks with licks’.

Her actions are a legitimate matter of public interest as are those of Mishcon de Reya. The fact they are now demanding we remove any reference – including those to third party sites – is as stupid as it is offensive.

Last time I checked, I didn’t live in North Korea, China or Iran.

The story is a matter of public record and in the public domain. Get over it, move along for fucks sake. Don’t be so arrogant as to think you can rewrite history – its called censorship. Its called fascism.

It’s also a super-sized slice of hypocrisy given just a few weeks ago she was talking about freeing Malaysia from censorship because “honesty and truth are always going to liberate us.”

Is that the same sort of liberation that involves running around the planet threatening people’s families, threatening to bankrupt a start up business despite them agreeing to her demands because the alternative was bankruptcy?

If Lady Gaga were a regime, she’d be following the Colonel Gaddafi/Robert Mugabe model, running her empire from a secret compound working on her performance as ‘The Great Licktator”

So what is this about?

Is it one lonely individuals deluded, paranoid obsession that the world is out to get her, when in fact it is she who is out to get the little guy? It is now a David and Goliath confrontation – standing up to a female dictator who wants to own the first utterances of our children, trademark a name first used in pop-culture by the rock band Queen and claim it as her own, original idea.

What has upset her most is that somebody has had the temerity to stand up against her, and fight her publicly over her actions. At best her attitude is like our ice cream, a bit rich. At worst, it’s called fascism and you know what?

Fascism sucks.

Or maybe, just maybe, her lawyers are driving this in a get rich quick scheme to extort as much money out of her as they can? Parliament is a sardine can full of them. They run the country and they run it into the ground. You wouldn’t trust the fuckers to run a bath let alone UK PLC. Using a lawyer is an unpleasant necessity, like a trip to the toilet after a chicken vindaloo.

You know you gotta go. You know its going to be painful. And you know the smell will outlast religion.

Whatever the truth, I’ll offer Lady Gaga this once in a lifetime invitation: Loosen up a bit. Chill out with The Icecreamists, not your lawyers.

We love you, but we don’t love your threats or them.

I’m sure we can sort this out and move on with our lives over a couple of scoops, just you and me, and some dirty ice cream.

Unless of course, you are just stalking me.

Matt O’Connor


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LADY GAGA RESPONSE FINAL 2a

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This September sees a clash of the mainstream and underground as the Icecreamists launch at Selfridges Oxford Street in a subterranean ice cream installation.
Located on the Lower Ground Floor in our Ultralounge, the Icecreamists will be the ultimate ice cream boutique opening on Thursday 10 September! As well as offering a wide array of unique-flavoured ice cream, you will also find fresh frozen yogurt and sorbettos – all freshly prepared for your guilty pleasure.

Come and visit the boutique for breakfast, lunch or dinner and you might be treated to a DJ or in-house band performacnce, or even be served by one of our catwalk cool or celebrity ‘scooperheroes’!

An exciting menu of sweet and savoury ice creams will include Selfridges Ice Cream Sandwich with cream of Cucumber, Gordon’s Glory – 21st century reimagining of the Knickerbocker Glory and ‘The Sex Pistol’, Viagra Ice Cream served as a shot in a pink water pistol!

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